Monday 9th May 2016 (6.31pm)
So why have I decided to put pen to paper and write about me, my current state of mind and my journey. Today I have had counselling, in fact it was my fourth session with my counsellor at work. It was she who suggested that I record how I feel on a 1 (low) to 10 (high) scale, three times per day, morning, lunchtime and evening to see if I can pin point any mood fluctuations. I thought it would be good to write about how I feel as well.
I am not sure how this will work or even what I will call it. A diary? Blog? Journal? What is the difference? Anyhow, I thought I would give it a go. I dont know what form this will take or how long I will keep it going. I am hoping in years to come, I may be able to look back at this time with an understanding of why and what it was all about. It feels kind of strange, as I am a person who historically has not liked to talk about feelings and emotions, so this could either be extremely boring or interesting. Whatever the outcome, I am hoping that it will benefit me and hopefully be of use to others – who knows?
It feels strange writing, by that I mean I type everything and save things neatly into computer files (compartmentalise) be it in work or at home. So why write? Well I thought that this notebook can come with me wherever I go, it is easy to quickly jot down some thoughts and feelings (even though I was having difficulty in distinguishing between the two in my counselling session earlier). I also feel that physically writing at the moment is more personal.
I am not a writer, my pen does not have a spell check, I appreciate that there will be some errors and imperfections. This will annoy me, the reasons why will no doubt will become clearer later.
So who am I? Well, my name is Georgina (George) and I am 41 years of age. I am a Police Officer and I am very proud of what I do. I joined the police 4th November 2002 and I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. I have seen change in this time, I have built up excellent working relationships, I have laughed and cried with colleagues and many will be friends for life. I am a Detective Sergeant within the Public Protection Department. I got promoted to Sergeant in December 2012 and this was one of the proudest days of my life. The promotion process was difficult, I experienced disappointment as it took me three attempts to get though the ‘board’ process. Looking back, I can see that it was not the right time on previous attempts and it gave me further opportunities to develop. I write about this time because it forms part of where I am today and how I feel. It has also probably made me the person I am.
Last September, I began ‘acting up’ to Detective Inspector (DI) and in December I was temporary promoted. Once again this was a proud moment and it gave me the opportunity to learn and develop in preparation for the Inspector ‘board’ process. My local ‘board’ was held on Tuesday 22nd March 2016. Whilst I thought it went well, I was not successful. I am trying not to use the words fail, failed or failure (or any connotations of) but that is how I see myself. I am awaiting feedback but this will have to wait until I get back to work.
I have been off work since Monday 4th April. Initially, I was diagnosed with emotional exhaustion, which has now changed to depression. Whilst I make no excuses for not getting through the ‘board’ process; not being successful has put me where I am today and that is not necessarily a bad thing. It is not just the disappointment with the ‘boards’, in fact I view this as relatively minor. It is a number of significant events which have occurred over the last 14-15 months and not getting through the ‘boards’ was the last straw (so to speak).
Last week I felt very flat and isolated myself from people as I Just wanted to be on my own. On Saturday, I completed the CARTEN100, which is a 106 mile bike ride from Cardiff to Tenby. Being from Tenby and cycling home gave me a sense of purpose, achievement and wellbeing. It was demanding but I felt great and it was nice to see family and friends. I am grateful for my GP, counsellor and Community Mental Health counsellor who have all encouraged me to continue with exercise as at the moment it is what keeps me going and focused.
I would base my current mood as 4/10. This may be low due to having a good weekend, being overtired and I feel emotionally drained from counselling. My passion for cycling, swimming and running will all become apparent as I progress.