Saturday 21st May 2016 (1.44pm)

4/10 – I am sitting in Coffee #1 having not done any exercise (which I hate); however I need to rest these legs for tomorrow. I feel a little bit more enthusiastic now I have got my kit ready, put my number on my shirt and added my timing chip to the front of my bike. I start at 8.31am in ‘Pen R’.

I really did not think I would be off work this long. I know people say that these things take time, but for someone with no patience I am finding this hard. Why can’t I just find me and be happy again? What will it take? I look around me where there are couples, friends and families, yet I sit here alone with my own thoughts and reflections. There are three people on the table next to me talking about Henry VIII. I digress! A friend has messaged me this morning but I am not in the mood for conversation so I have only replied once.

Next week I have an appointment with the Force Medical Advisor (FMA). I am not sure if this is knee or mental health related or both. I also have an appointment with my counsellor and GP. After every sick certificate I have had, I have always thought that it would be the last one; now I am not so sure. I ask myself if I would be better going back to work to have a routine. I know I have to be 100% or as near as and I know I am not there yet. I am still worried about my position and I wonder if I am jeopardizing my career prospects by being off. I know that my health and wellbeing should come first but I still have ambition, as to doing what and where is another question.

I have been given special dispensation to defer my Open University Human Biology exam (on medical grounds) to September. I did really well in my assignments scoring over 90% in all three, so I can know do it, and studying if I can get my head around it will give me something to focus on. I find that my memory and concentration is rubbish at the moment so it will be difficult. It is nice to get out and do some writing. I may be writing complete rubbish but hey its therapeutic. The Henry VIII crew have just left. I wonder who will sit there next, and I wonder what their lives are like.

I have no real plans for later. The FA Cup final is on where my team Manchester United take on Crystal Palace. It is now 2.31pm and nobody has sat on the Henry VIII table.

(10.02pm)

6/10 – Not a bad day in the end. My mood has lifted and I am quite excited about the Velothon tomorrow. I have had a number of messages wishing me well. Alarm set for 5.30am so I best get my butt to bed. Oh and Manchester United beat Crystal Place 2-1.

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