Tuesday 24th May 2016 (9.38am)

3/10 – Feeling really low and fed up this morning. Not sure why? I guess that is depression for you. Maybe because it is ‘A’s’ birthday and its another 1st anniversary of a significant event where we are not together. I am seeing the Force Medical Advisor (FMA) and counsellor later and at the moment I have no idea how either will go.

(8.46pm)

It turns out that today was extremely difficult. The FMA has finally signed me back fully operational with regards to my knee. That is good news. I was upset during the consultation and I felt so low. At the time I would have scored myself 1/10 if that. I feel today that things are getting worse for me.

My counselling appointment was straight after and from the start I was very emotional. I could not rationalise anything and I did not care about anything. I felt so horrendously low, I even discussed my thoughts of self-harm. I explained that I wanted to step off the world and that I have had thoughts of putting my trainers on and just running as fast and as far as I can. I want to escape reality and to feel the sense of running away from everything and everyone. I could not control my emotions or thoughts and I could not say that I would not do something harmful.

Myself and my counsellor had a discussion about responsibilities and how I was going to keep myself safe. Some options were explained, which potentially would have involved my police colleagues which I would have found humiliating. Instead, the counsellor said that they would make contact with the GP and check availability for me to be seen this afternoon. I promised that I would not do anything stupid. I found the counselling session really hard. I could not comprehend anything, it was like I was a different person and that my mind had been taken over. It was awful and I could not see past anything and I really did not know what was happening. I am not surprised the counsellor was concerned. I even apologised for the way I felt I was behaving.

I think my saving grace was that I had arranged to meet a couple of friends. Whist out, the counsellor rang me back to say that my GP was not in but I could see another Dr. I explained that I was ok and that I would rather wait to the morning when I could see the GP who has been treating me. I literally spent the whole afternoon meeting with various friends.

I met with ‘A’ on the way home which I found difficult as I was still very emotional.

So that is my day really. One which I can say I do not want to repeat (in terms of FMA and counselling). At one point I did not know if there was going to be police at my door doing a welfare visit, or if I was going to end up with the crisis team. What I do know is that today my friends have helped. I am seeing my GP at 8.30am tomorrow. If I get a chance I will write before I go to my appointment. I have no idea what my mood / frame of mind will be like when I wake up. As for now, I am signing off as 2/10.

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