Wednesday 1st June 2016 (9.10pm)

I had an 8.30 Dr appointment. My usual GP was away so I saw the Dr who previously helped me out with my knees. The Dr knew of my recent struggles and asked how I was. I did not feel like going into any detail but said that I was feeling better than last week but I was still unsure of my sense of purpose and direction. We talked about the recent CARTEN100 and he prescribed me a months worth of Sertraline. I am seeing my usual Dr next week. I feel flat about my appointment, again as if I could just not be bothered with it.

I went to David Lloyd straight after and I did a run and cycle. I struggled with my knees on the run but rather than stopping I hit self-destruct / self harm and carried on. I do not know why but it makes me feel better. I knew in my head that if I did not complete what I set out to achieve on that treadmill then I would have been annoyed with myself and it would have made me feel worse. This probably comes back to not wanting to fail and because I have a programme that I know I MUST (in my head) follow.

I met with ‘A’ this afternoon and I admitted a few things about how I was during our relationship; selfish, rubbish at communicating, going off on my own or into my own bubble, not wanting to socialise at times and neglectful of ‘A’s’ needs. I believe I have been suffering from depression for many years, as the above are indicators of that; I do not solely put the blame on myself or my depression. I now have a greater understanding of who I am and I am hoping that with recognition, medication, help and support through family, friends and professionals I will become a better and stronger person. I am still relatively young(ish) and I know I can be and will be happy again. I recognise that it will take time and it will not happen over night. I suppose I need to find what is ‘normal’ for me, work on it and be happy with it and who I am. I have so much going for me and many people would love to be in my position. I am grateful for what I have achieved academically, through work and on the sports field. I have family and friends who love and care for me. Whilst I cannot always see through my own fog and barriers, I hope they can see that it is reciprocated.

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