5/10 – Not quite sure what to say about today, not that it has been bad, as it has been nice in fact, maybe I am just feeling fed up. I was in the outdoor pool by 6am before doing a 40 minute bike session. I popped into Cardiff afterwards and picked up three more books (I seem to be flying through books at the moment. Treated myself (using voucher) to a cake and drink in John Lewis.
I spent the afternoon down Barry Island where I started reading ‘Reasons to stay alive’ by Matt Haig. It is about his personal experience of suffering with anxiety and depression. I have read quite a lot already and it is amazing how much I can associate with. I am aware of depression but this book has opened my eyes as to what is actually is. Whilst I know depression is an illness, I have not viewed myself as being ill; but I am. It is the old adage of ‘you cant see it’. There is no sticky plaster, or in my case a knee brace to show that you have something up. People do not know that I am ill unless I tell them. Am I ashamed? No, I am not and in some respect I am glad this has happened as now I know it will help me get better and move forward.
It is my 4th wedding anniversary on Thursday and to some extent that is occupying my mind. How could we have been so happy for it all to fall apart. People change, we changed and circumstances changed. I am not sure what I will do Thursday, I don’t suppose my day will be that different to any other. I just hope I have the strength to handle it.
3/10 – Feeling down tonight.