Wednesday 15th June 2016 (11.09am)

I got to David Lloyd early and smashed a 2500m swim, 30 mins cycle and 30 mins run. Happy with that considering I initially ignored my early alarm as I did not want to get up. I felt guilty so ended up getting up not long after. Change of scenery for me this morning, I have decided to come to Starbucks to use up what is on my pre-paid card. My morning so far has been quite nice, I have read quite a bit of my book ‘The man who mistook his wife for a hat’ by Oliver Sacks. Not quite sure what I think of it and I just want to get it finished. I have to finish books that I start and I will not move on to the next until I am done. I am aware that I have not scored myself yet, that is because I forgot at the start and now I am not quite sure what I am. Probably a 5 and a half / 10.

The thought of potentially returning to work next Thursday is on my mind and again I am torn about what I should do. It will be nearly 3 months which I would have been off. Whilst I can have 6 months on full pay I do not want to stretch that far. Do I feel ready to go back? No, probably not but I have to go back at some stage and will there ever be a right time? I will see how next week goes and discuss with GP next Wednesday.

(4.23pm)

6/10 – I am sitting in Costa having just come from my first Action for Living course. The course run by ‘Mind’ aims to readdress actions, acceptance, values and the mind. I am not sure if the course is for me or what I will get from it. It is only four weeks long so I will just go with it for now. I have homework to do which I have done in my head. Next weeks session is all about thoughts and sounds interesting. I just have to embrace it, learn from it and drop the ‘I know all of this anyway’ attitude. I did not know what to expect from the session or of the other people in the group. There must have been more than 25 people there, of all ages. I realised how hard it was for some people to attend, as I just take my confidence of walking into the unknown for granted. We did not have to talk or do any group work; instead it was Powerpoint driven. I would have quite liked some interaction but the sessions are not going to go that way. The course is not about sharing our experiences, it is about rethinking or reframing our thought processes.

A friend rang and left a message on my phone whilst I was in the session expressing concern as he had not seen or heard from me for a while. I messaged back to say that I was ok but I did not want to talk. Avoidance – as I have learnt today.

I have hardly eaten (2 dry bread rolls), so I think it is time I left here to get some food. I recognise that I do still have a problem with not wanting to eat. I think this is the first time ever that I have become weight conscious. For someone who usually loves food, cake, chocolate, crisps and all the bad stuff – should I be concerned? If it is still an issue next week then I will talk to the Dr about it. I understand that it is a symptom of depression but I am not sure if my medication has anything to do with it. Not an easy illness to deal with. Mind you, things are generally never easy when it comes to me (laughs) !

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