2/10 – I really don’t know what to say about today, apart from I never expected it to be as it has been. I had counselling which I found difficult and I was quite teary in parts. I spoke about being in University and the struggles I faced battling with my sexuality as well as trying to do well in my degree. My sexuality became a massive battle in my life and something which became out of my control. Ultimately I could not handle the thoughts and feelings I was having and often found that I was angry towards myself, wanting to hurt myself. I have realised that my depression and my strive to succeed goes back to university and even possibly to school. Though I wasn’t in the top sets at school, I always wanted to do well and worked hard for exams. I think I found my brain when I left school and went to college. This is when things started to fit into place academically.
After leaving counselling I met up with a friend at Costa. I then decided to pop into the office to say hi to people. Going in I felt very nervous and anxious but I knew that I had to do it sometime and I was hoping that it would help. I actually felt uncomfortable in work, like the new kid at school who just wanted to hide in the corner. I felt myself shrink inside. I felt lost. The place hasn’t changed and neither have the people or job, but I have. I am not the same person who left that building earlier in the year. I have had to deal with so much and I will never be that same person. I had a quick chat with my line manager who I am due to meet tomorrow for a sickness meeting and to discuss a planned return. I thought I was strong enough for this but I am not.
I got back in the car and cried. My thoughts were irrational, my breathing was all over the place and I felt anxious. I was concerned about my state of well being. I rang a friend on the way home as I did not know what to do, I could not even say where I was, yet it was a road I drive every day. After having some sense talked into me, I ended up driving to my Dr Surgery. I knew I needed help. It was 3.30pm and I managed to get an appointment at 4.10pm. I was that much of a mess I struggled to even give the receptionist my name and I ended up just walking out of the surgery. Part of me just wanted to stay in the car park as a place of safety but I ended up driving home to compose myself of half an hour.
I saw a different GP as mine was not in. I could not work out what had switched on in my head to feel the way I did. My head was buzzing, I was twitchy, I could not sit still and I felt all over the place. The Dr was supportive and we agreed that I did not need immediate intervention. I told him that I would just go home and eat ice cream (random). The Dr wants me to go back and see him in the morning. I can’t believe how hard and draining this all is.