I have been mentally rubbish the last few days, I have been running out of guilt and having to rather than want or enjoyment. I would describe the way I feel as empty and fed up and I do not know how to deal with it. I am so glad I have Olly.
I really do not know how I survived today as I feel that I have not stopped. I went out for a 6.5 mile run, I didn’t particularly feel like it but knew I would feel worse (again) if I did not go. I did my usual route backwards (not literally). I didn’t feel brilliant and at times I felt heavy and sluggish. I just did not have my usual sharpness.
I then made my way to my 10am psychiatry appointment which laster 1 hour. The psychiatrist said that I feel the way I do because of my type of personality and does not believe that my depression is severe. He did not like to label things or use the term disorder but in simple terms it is likened to both a personality disorder and adjustment disorder. My drive to achieve and strive for perfection is top priority for me and when things do not go my way I do not handle it as I should. In other words I find it difficult to adjust to the (unexpected) outcome. I am pretty much ‘all or nothing’. The psychiatrist advised that I keep practicing mindfulness, continue with counselling and stick with the same medication and dosage. As for now I am safe and well with no immediate concerns.
At 5pm I had a FaceTime conversation with my BBC run coach, Chevy. This was good, we discussed training plans and ideas for the way forward.
Tonight I have been googling ‘how to train a puppy’.
Current mood 6/10.