New Years Eve

Saturday 31st December 2016 (6.31pm)

3/10 – It is New Years Eve 2016. I could sit here, be glum and reflect on the last year but instead I will consider a few points.

‘A’ and I are not back together but remain best friends
I have been off work since April 4th with depression
I am on my 4th different type of anti depressant
I have seen my GP approximately 30 times since April
I have called my own police force for help when all I wanted to do was end it all
I have seen a Psychiatrist (x2)
I have had 13 (I think) counselling sessions
I have attended an eight week mindfulness programme
I am involved in a BBC documentary on mental health and exercise and will be running the London marathon
I have a PUPPY!!!!!

If anybody had said to me at the beginning of the year that I would have experienced any of the above I would not have believed it. Do I feel better than what I did 12 months ago? Yes, in many ways, but I still have a way to go. When I think back to last NYE I took the Christmas tree down and spent a large portion of the evening messaging a friend.

Whilst I accept my depression and I am getting better, I have found this last week hard. I feel lost and inadequate and not good enough for anything. I have just been out to get petrol as I feel like driving off somewhere with Olly. No idea where, I just want to hide. I know this is not the right thing. There are fireworks going off and its not all about me. I have some party food so no doubt I will stuff my face with that and large amounts of chocolate. Did someone mention easting disorder? ‘A’ did invite me around for the evening but I do not feel like being sociable. I just want to be on own with Olly.

My day has been ok, I went to Penarth seafront with Olly this afternoon which I enjoyed. I just wish I was not feeling so low and flat.

As this year comes to an end and a new one starts tomorrow I am thankful for a loving family and friends and that they are all still with me. I have no idea what 2017 will bring. April will be busy as I am off to Vegas then I have the London marathon. The next four months will be taken up with filming and training. I am also looking to go back to work at the end of January. I have lots of appointments next week (FMA, GP, counselling) plus I am travelling down to Brighton for filming on the weekend. Though my state of mind is not great at the moment, I am hoping that this is just a blip. I need to look forward and onward as who knows what 2017 will hold. Goodbye 2016, it has certainly been an experience.

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