Live Blog – Friday 22nd September 2017 (12.41pm)

Anxiety – it jumps on you when you are not looking

I am sat in David Lloyd having just done an hour Wattbike session, which I mentally felt was what I needed. I have been catching up on some pre dated blogs to update you with but I thought I would record what is going on in my over active ‘highly intelligent’ (apparently 😂) brain.

I have had some positive moments over this past week which have been down to some encouraging mental health conversations with a number of people. It has fired my brain off in different directions with a number of thoughts and ideas about my future. Though I am not in the right place to make such decisions, it has made me realise a few things and given me back a bit of my ‘can do’ ‘will do’ attitude. I pipe on about barriers but it is about time I bashed my own down and do what is right for me.

My positive mood early on yesterday got me thinking about returning to work next week; however by the end of the day the negative demons of reality attacked my grey matter and bang there it was, anxiety and negativity. I pictured myself in my office staring at my computer screen not being able to cope with the simplest of tasks. I pictured reality of pressure and demand. I pictured me again failing at simple tasks, tasks that I would have usually confidently done. I question myself and my worth as a Police Officer. A job which I have put everything into for the last 15 years. I question if it is right for me. Can I handle it anymore? I am trying, but I don’t know. I can’t give up on it. More time is needed. I am awaiting confirmation of when I will be getting CBT, perhaps this will help my thoughts. Yes, they are only thoughts. One thought of maybe the 60000 which pass between my ears each day.

I am seeing my GP next week – there are things I want to discuss about my medication. I have still not heard back from the CMHT appointment which I had at the end of July.

I have reaffirmed my need for a purpose and a goal. As such I have entered Ironman Wales 2018 (2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and a marathon all to be done within 17 hours). It’s a tough ask for the fittest of people, but it has now become my mission and my focus. I am speaking to my knees nicely and I will smile at my knee surgeon next week. This is something I need to do.

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