Tuesday 31st January 2017 (8.03pm)
2/10 – I felt really unwell both physically and mentally today. I feel drained and I have got an ulcer in my mouth. Something which I have not have since last in work! I did not want to get up this morning and go to work and when I did it felt like a waste of time. I still cannot log on to my computer, despite phone calls to relevant departments. I did attempt to sort out some paper work which I had just left, but I could not even bring myself to look at it so just chucked it back where I found it. This is so unlike me. I felt frustrated with myself as I wanted everything to be normal and I wanted to function on at least some sort of workable level. I also felt frustrated by not being able to at least pass time looking at (deleting) emails or looking on the intranet, ‘BOB’ as it is now called. It was called ‘CONNECT’ when I left. Just another example of change since my absence.
I had a chat with my second line manager and I openly said that I was only in work because of financial reasons and that I believed that I was not well enough, even though I wanted to try. I was awake most of last night mulling things around in my head which did not help. I think I have made a big mistake in returning; as such I am taking Thursday and Friday off as annual leave. I could not wait to get home.
I have my routine GP appointment in the morning so I will discuss how I feel and take advice from there.
I have spoken with my parents about how things have gone over the last few days. Whatever I decide to do they will support me as they just want to see me well.
Early night for me.