Sunday 7th May 2017 (12.37pm)
The last few days have been a real struggle and ironically, I am back in the same Coffee 1 as where I wrote on Friday. When I left here on Friday things went from bad to worse. I knew I had to get help and speak to someone as I felt vulnerable and had no idea where my thoughts were taking me. When I got into my car, I text my counsellor to see if she was in work. I was not expecting an immediate reply so I drove up to Penarth cliff tops for some thinking time. At some point and I don’t know how, I got into a text conversation with my friend. After coming to some sort of sense I said that I would meet up with her.
Whilst heading off to meet my friend, my counsellor rang me. I told her what was going on in my head and I could not control my thoughts. I felt out of control. My counsellor advised me to make an appointment to see my GP but I did not want to, I did not want to waste her time. I explained that I was going to meet with a friend and I would see how I felt after that. My counsellor said that she was busy all afternoon but would ring me later.
Meeting up with my friend is not something I would have done in the past when feeling so rubbish but I am glad that I did. We had a good chat but it did not stop the way that I was feeling. I did not ring the doctor; instead I took Olly out for the afternoon then stayed in all evening. My counsellor rang me at 5.30pm and the basis of the conversation was that I could not promise to keep myself safe or not cause harm to myself. She wanted to know if I had a ‘crisis’ plan in place and that I had a point of contact. I could not provide her with the answers she wanted as I simply did not know. I lost all sense of rational thinking. It was just after 6pm when our conversation ended, she said that she would try and get hold of GP.
It was just after 7.30pm when my door buzzer went. I was half expecting it. Standing in front of me were two police officers checking to see that I was ok, and if I needed anything. I of course said that I was ok but finding things hard. I had a further phone call at 9.30pm and my counsellor rang shortly after that. After reassuring everyone I just went to bed. It was like my head had not stopped bumping for days.
Yesterday I felt marginally better. I took Olly out down Barry Island early and watched some of the park run. I then made my way to David Lloyd and did 30 mins on the Wattbike, shin still sore but walkable and manageable. I felt that I needed to do something even though my head was hurting. I had two welfare check phone calls from the police and I informed them that all was ok. I appreciate their help.
Today, I feel more positive. After I finish here I plan to take Olly out for a nice walk. I have been chatting with my Mind over Marathon group and it looks as if I may be joining some of them next Saturday for a 10 mile charity walk. I think this will be good for me.