The urge to self harm

Wednesday 26th July 2017 (7.09pm)

I have done a ‘live blog’ to cover the last few days but I do not want this one going live today as I do not want anyone to worry.

The problem is that I have an overwhelming urge to self harm. I felt like this yesterday but today my attempt has been more than merely preparatory (police speak). I boiled the kettle then held my hand over the sink to poor boiling water over it. I poured out a drop of water but my reflex pulled my hand away. Seriously, what was I thinking? Idiot! I am too weak to carry something like this out, but I know there are other ways. Why do I feel like this? I have no idea. I just feel that I want to hurt and punish myself. It is not that I feel low of massively depressed. I can’t explain. I do know that being back at work is not helping and distorting my thoughts. I am finding it hard to cope there.

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2 Comments

  1. saw your post on twitter via jake tyler & understand both the urge & confusion. good for you for resisting! i have done lots of self harm as punishment but i realized through emdr counseling that i dissociate when stressed and the self harming comes from believing what the sexual torturers told me when i was a little girl. i’m not saying this is what happens with you but it is a possibility. the dissociated part that takes on the personality of the abuser is called an introject and strangely enough they are urging self harm because they believe it will keep you safe. in my case it was to keep me quiet so i wouldn’t be harmed further. good news is that introjects are part of you and can be reasoned with and given new jobs like taking good care of you instead of harming. i wish you wellness and know that you are cared about even if we never meet.

    Liked by 1 person

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