Not sure what is going on

Sunday 4th March 2018 (1.47pm)

It has been a while since I last wrote and there are a number of reasons for this. I have been busy working on a project for me. Not only does this help with my mental health but I am looking and planning ahead. It has put some life back into me and most of all some hope, some hope that there is a future out there after all.

In the main I have been doing ok, I have met some more friends thanks to Olly and at times have glimpsed happiness. My training for the London Marathon, Ironman Wales and the bits in between is going well. It keeps me busy, gives me something to do each day and physically I feel fitter and stronger than ever. There are days when I struggle to motivate myself to get on the bike as my head talks me out of it but so far I have not given in to the demon who does not want me to succeed. Ironically, at this moment I should be in London. This morning I should have been running the Big Half Marathon but due to snow and travel disruption I had to pull the plug on my plans. Obviously gutted by this as I quite fancied my chances against Mo Farrah.

Apart from the busyness of my project and training, my head has not wanted to write. It has not been in the place where I could string sentences together. It very much feels like that now but I need to make an effort. My headaches which I have wrote about before appear to be back with a vengeance. No idea what the cause is. I am not over exercising, I am sufficiently hydrating, and I am eating well. Not sure if it’s the medication? I have had conversations with GP many times about this and it was previously suggested that I have a brain scan. I don’t think that is necessary. I have not seen her for a few weeks but I will see her this week.

Last week I started a 1-2-1 session with Mind and it looks as if we are going to work on my ‘perfectionist’ trait and how I deal with things. I was referred by CMHT ages ago but now I don’t think that this is for me. I have had so much treatment and therapy that I can’t see me going anywhere different with this. I have another appointment on Tuesday so I will mention it then. Not in the mood or place for time wasting. For me I don’t have the patience and someone else would make better use out of such a valuable service.

Currently I have had a rubbish few days, really not helped by my headaches. The snow has prevented me from going swimming and running. I am fortunate enough to have a Wattbike at home so I have ticked over with training sessions. Both yesterday and today I pedalled my distance with my eyes shut most of the time.

I have no idea why, but I am sitting here in a coffee shop feeling somewhat emotional. I feel that there are things going on around me but everything is fuzzy. People come and go, families chat, friends embrace, students work, but it’s like I am away from the situation. It’s a strange feeling to have, it’s like there is an alien inside my head.

At the moment I feel that there is something missing and I do not know what. I have of course missed Olly dog who has been staying with his grandhumans since Tuesday due to my plans and trip to London. He has been spoilt and enjoying the snow in Tenby. I am hoping to collect the little badass tomorrow or Tuesday. I plan to run the half marathon I missed today on Tuesday morning as if I do before the 11th I still get my Big Half medal. Not the same as being there but it’s another one to add to the collection. It’s only 48 days to the 2018 Virgin Money London Marathon. I still can’t believe I was part of this years launch.

Things have over this last week progressed with work but I will write about this separately over the next day or two hopefully.

Now I am off on a walk down Penarth for some fresh air – let’s hope that helps the head.

 

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