Thankful for some kind words and a chance meeting

Thursday 8th March 2018 (8.51pm)

2/10 – No other words for it, today as been utter shite and I have not felt like this for a long time. It started at around 1 am when I was wide awake planning on just taking Olly and going somewhere for a few days where I could not be contacted. I have planned this before and I was logistically working things out on how not to be found.

Then reality kicks in, I look at Olly who is horizontally stretched out on my king size bed, so I am falling off the edge (literally). As he sleeps, I listen to his breath and the cute noises he makes and for that moment in time, I am reminded of the joy he brings and my responsibility towards him. I think of family and friends worrying.

I am impulsive, I have written about this before and this is where danger lies for me. The switch in my brain goes from rational to irrational in a split second. There is no immediate middle ground. The middle ground comes afterwards, when I somehow have reframed my brain. This can take a while. It is what goes on in this ‘heightened’ state that concerns me and  for all of the health professionals I have met. The switch will always be there, and no amount of mindfulness or CBT will work in such circumstances. Something does work though. At the moment it is Olly.

I have no idea what time I got to sleep. I know I did, because I am getting the weirdest dreams. Olly then woke me up at 7am sneezing in my face. This is his thing and it means that it is time to get up human. Thanks Olly.

I felt lost this morning. I had no training planned. It was a rest day. I could not cope with it being a rest day, so I packed up my swimming kit and had some Olly time. It was like he knew something was up as he did not want me to go. Olly was going out with the dog walker so I knew I could just go and hide somewhere, knowing that he was cared for and having fun.

My head was all over the place, at 9 am I made the 20 minute drive to the pool. I did not even know if I was actually going to the pool. I was toying with going to the supermarket, buying wine and pills and going somewhere. I don’t even like wine. I don’t even drink FFS. What the hell was my head doing? I was even wondering if I would get through the tills with what I had in my basket. I had my story ready. I don’t look like someone on a mad mission. I was dressed in sports kit which costs more than my monthly mortgage and I can talk a good game. Once again, scheming and planning.

The fitness freak and alcohol hater got the better of me and at the last moment I turned off into the swimming pool car park. I messaged a friend who I had pencilled in to meet at lunchtime and said I would not be there then turned off my phone (something which I never do). I went swimming.

Afterwards I went to the nearby Starbucks and turned on my phone. Social media notifications, emails, message beeped through and one in particular caught my eye. It was on Twitter from one of my followers saying that I should have been in the top 10 list of 100 most inspirational women which was on Wales on line. Such a lovely thing to say from someone who I had never met, this got me all emotional. Thank you Jackie x

On leaving Starbucks I had no idea where I was heading. Phone had been turned back off and thoughts still all over the place. I still could not get this alcohol thing out of my head. I had to head down the retail park to Next, knowing that if I really wanted to I could walk in to the Asda next door.

It was then my day took on a different direction. Kind of like a sliding doors moment. I went to Next before Asda and whilst there a lady came up to me and said,

‘Hi, you used to go to the gym, I saw you on the TV. I said to my husband that it was you and he said …. No, it was you wasn’t it, on Alfie’s Angels?’ I laughed, explained that she was half right but it wasn’t Alfie’s Angels.

I recognised the lady as we always used to chat when I was a member of a gym that I have now moved on from. It must be more than 5 or 6 years since I have seen her, yet for about 15 minutes there we were standing by the shoes in Next talking about mental health and our experiences of depression.

At the time, this just felt like an incredible meeting. I don’t believe in fate yet by seeing and chatting with Pam my mindset shifted. I was not out of the woods yet but I knew that my feet were on firmer ground. Phone still off I headed home to my boy. Thanks Pam x

Returned home – checked phone …. beep, beep, beep… notifications galore. Phone straight back off. I could not cope with nice messages. People know me, they know when something is up. Apart from Twitter this morning and only now a quick look on Facebook I have avoided all forms of social media. Usually by now I have chucked a couple of pictures on Instagram and some random crap on Twitter.

Now I am doing ok, I am safe, Olly is snoring beside me. I have had some messages back and forth with friends and I have plans for tomorrow.

After posting this I am off to bed and wont be going anywhere until the crazy one sneezes on my face in the morning. Thanks Olly x

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5 Comments

  1. Thanks for writing this Georgie and sharing. Recognise some of the thought process, am very glad you made the right decisions each time. Isn’t it funny how sometimes things happen that provide the nudge in the right direction and how often it is from something random, unexpected source. The support of strangers is amazing. As is the support of dogs! Hope today is a better day and keep on making the right decisions, one step at a time. Chris

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so glad those two things happened to lift your mood. It’s funny how we can have such a connection with strangers or near strangers at times.

    I want to say thank you for your part in making it ok to talk about mental health. I’ve seen it a lot more in the people around me and it’s made me feel more confident in talking about my own mental health.

    In November I was diagnosed with MS. This was not a major surprise but the culmination of years of waiting and fearing ending in one year, last year, of poor health and frustration. I ran London too last year, in the middle of a relapse, couldn’t see much and did not enjoy it at all. Watching you on TV afterwards gave me a new perspective on it.

    Now it turns out MS and depression have a fairly close relationship. Around 50% of people with MS also have depression. This does not respond well to antidepressants in people with MS, and also results in disease progression. So although I’m coping well with the diagnosis, when I was offered CBT at the hospital I jumped at it. My appointment came through quickly and it is scheduled for next month. I want to have every tool available to me to cope with what is happening to me. I’m not saying I don’t have my wobbles either – I was in tears after work on Monday but rescued by a well-timed parcel from a friend.

    I’ve always felt the line between mental and physical health is artificial and this has really reinforced that view.

    Running helps. I have some pretty big goals this year so my focus is on prevention – preventing injury, preventing mental ill health and preventing disease progression.

    Thank you again, for being you and for being here.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Sarah, thanks for writing this and for being so open about your MS. I can’t believe you even had the strength to run London last year. Massive respect for that. I was not aware of the link between MS and depression and it is interesting to know about anti depressants too.

      I am so glad to hear that you are coping and it is a good idea to arm yourself with the tools necessary to beat those ‘wobble days’.

      I am pleased to see how running helps you physically and mentally. Be good to hear about your goals for the year.

      I would love you to write for my blog as I am sure there are many people in your position. It also educates people (me for one). No worries if you don’t want to though.

      Take care and thanks again x

      Like

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