Today I am a Proton

Wednesday 8th August 2018 (11.44am)

The last couple of weeks have not been great, hence my avoidance of any blog. I have felt that I have not had my shit together to put into context what has been going on. My mood has certainly not been as low as it has been but it is different. There are NO suicidal thoughts or urges to self harm, it is more of a deep downer compounded by what has felt like extreme fatigue.

Last Monday I had an appointment at the Psych Centre where I saw 2 mental health nurses. It was a follow up appointment combined with a new referral from the primary care team in relation to having some emotional regulation therapy in the near future. Once again, I put on the professional face (not advised, but its what I do) and confidently and competently answered the questions which were asked. The crux of my mood and state of mind is primarily down to being stuck in limbo with the whole work situation. I have spoken about this rock and hard place before so wont dwell on it here, but the not knowing and the anxiety and fear I feel regarding this plays heavily on my mind. I am awaiting any decisions / outcome of this meeting. My GP has also increased my medication.

This has sunk me back into my bubble where all I have wanted to do is hide from the world and isolate myself from everyone. It has required honest conversations with myself and my partner as to how I / we get through this phase of uncertainty. My attitude towards my training and writing which are usually my forms of therapy has been poor. I have simply not had the motivation or desire to do either. Thankfully, the training has continued but not with the level of enthusiasm which I normally apply to it. There have been times when I have felt like quitting the whole Ironman thing but I have travelled on too far a journey both physically and mentally to let this go. It would also be one of my biggest regrets if I was not on that start line (in the dark) on Sunday 9th September.

Now I just want answers and a decision to me made. Everything is out of my hands which makes it harder. Stuck in a process which I can do nothing about. Stuck in my head of confusion. I just want to be able to move on with my life in a positive manner and that is away from the police service for my own health and wellbeing.

The title of the blog ‘Today I am a Proton’ reflects that I am sitting here in Starbucks (I have just swam 3150m, and have to run for 1hr 8 mins later) reflects that I have a positive charge about me (those of you who listened in Chemistry will get this) more so than over the last few weeks. I am hoping it will last, who knows?

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