When things go wrong

I am aware that I am part one into a four part series on ‘How do you manage good mental health and wellbeing’ but I just wanted to say this before I continue with it and explain what has been going on recently.

Friday 1st March – I have been stupid, I am not proud, it is not clever and I deeply regret what I have done. I have been lucky and am clearly on my 9th life. I feel the need to publish this in order that nobody will ever do what I have done. Please learn from a mistake that I have made which could have killed me. Four days on I am still suffering the side effects.

I have been struggling and found myself lost in a world where I did not see a way out of my own head. I feel like a robot being controlled remotely by outside influences which I cannot do anything about. I am not blaming anyone for my stupid, idiotic behaviour but the impending police medical board on Monday 4th March and the outcome has stressed me out more than you could ever imagine. Stuck in a lengthy process compounding the fact that I cannot handle it.

On Monday 25th February, I went out with a blister pack of 56 tablets. I have no idea why I took them out with me or what my intention was. I carried on as normal doing chores which needed to be done out and about. Acting like I had not a care in the world as I dropped a parcel off at the post office, yet inside, my head was bubbling over, racing away from me. I could not pull it back in or slow it down. It needed to be stopped. It needed to be numbed. The pain needed to go.

Shortly after, with a bottle of fizzy flavoured water in my hand, I took a pack of tablets from my pocket. Was this the answer? Would this help? My switch went, I had lost control and took a handful followed by another. I will not say what I took or how many (legal and prescribed).

I got up from the sofa with a racing, buzzing head and a massive headache. I fell into the wall. I could not see straight and I could not walk. I began to worry as I did not want anything bad to happen. I looked at Olly with guilt which deeply saddened me. Concerned, I thought to walk across to the Dr surgery and ask if what I had done was dangerous but I could not get there. I felt too ill. Next idea was to consult Dr google but I could not focus on my phone screen.

I lay on the sofa next to Olly as he slept. I closed my eyes but had black dots in front of me. My head was too busy, it would not switch off. I recall eating Nutella, bagels and two bars of chocolate.

Sometime later I took Olly out. I was able to walk better but was gripped by the worst headache that I ever had. I was hoping fresh air would help but it didn’t. I was hoping a hot chocolate would help but it didn’t. I was in bed by 7.30pm. I am not sure if I slept or passed out Monday night but I know I took Olly to the garden at some point.

On Tuesday I tried to carry on as normal and spent a few hours at the beach with Olly. I stayed with my partner that night. I needed to explain. I needed to be with someone.

On Wednesday I had a routine GP appointment. She asked how I was and I told her what I had done. Her face was all I needed to know how serious this was. She told me that what I had taken was extremely dangerous and I was lucky not to be found in bed dead. I should have rang for an ambulance on Monday. My GP made some immediate phone calls to toxicology as I waited, reflecting on what I had just been told. I was sent immediately to hospital where I underwent blood tests, examinations and a psych assessment. I was lucky to walk out with no lasting damage, just the side effects to contend with.

Tuesday 5th March – I have been asked many times why I did it? My answer, is that I lost control, I have no idea what I was doing. My switch went. The rational me exchanged for someone who had no care, fear, feeling or emotion. Someone who wanted to block out pain from a bubbling head. I had no intention to kill myself, yet I came close to an accidental overdose. This upsets and saddens me to know who and what I would have left behind. And for what? An appeal board, a job. It is easy for me to sit here now, 8 days on and spout this out to you.

Nothing is worth risking your life for. I was stupid thinking that I was invincible. I am still tired with a headache and I am mentally drained. The intense thirst and the dry mouth which I had has only recently subsided, but my head still hurts. It has been one of the worst weeks I have had, yet I have come through it. My medical appeal board was yesterday and I should know the outcome of this in two weeks time. Between now and then it is about keeping well and safe. I have help and strategies in place and checked in with my GP this morning.

Unfortunately I have not been able to exercise for over a week. I am hoping in the next few days I will be able to resume. Perhaps being as fit as healthy as I am saved me on this occasion. I don’t know.

Wednesday 6th March – I have taken myself away on my own for a few days. I need space to regroup and slow myself down. My head is still rushing around (I am sitting down yet I feel like I am running), so a time of walking, sightseeing with some reading, writing and seeing family is what I have planned. Feeling as I do I decided to leave my PE kit at home. I was hopeful of a run but realistically I knew that it would not yet be possible. It is clear that I am physically and mentally drained with the events of the last 9 days. 

There are times when you just have to go with it and this is one of those times.

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13 Comments on “When things go wrong

  1. Georgie, thanks again for your honesty, it brought tears to my eyes to hear what you are going through. I can’t imagine how it is for you on a daily basis. Thinking and praying for you as you await the outcome and whatever it is you will be able to move on. Hopefully you will be strong enough to get back to running as I know how much that helps. Sending my love xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Jackie… Thanks. I am doing ok and am hoping to get the trainers back on for parkrun on Saturday. Until then, I continue to chill out. Hope you are well and see you soon xx

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  2. I don’t know what to say but I wanted to leave a comment so you know that I’m thinking of you. There is no judgement as I’ve been in a similar position that could’ve easily gone the same way as you did. There is no answer to “why?” – logic has left the building. I’m so glad that you aren’t hurt by it and that you will recover. Big hugs to you xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jorgy you honesty & openess in speaking about your difficulties must be such a support for others who are experiencing mental health issues.
    Looking forward to seeing you out & about soon, I’ll bore you stupid with my talk of Brighton marathon😁😁
    Look after yourself & do what is right for you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks … I need to catch up on your training. Feel like I have missed everything recently. I’m sure you are breezing it and see you soon. Hopefully my daps will be back on Saturday xx

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  4. Thinking about you matey.., will let you know about a similar story one day. Be kind to yourself…
    Andy X

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Georgie! I knew something was wrong from your previous post saying that you were off here for a bit. I was worried about you, and my heart sank when I saw the headline “when things go wrong”. Thank feck you are alright!! I wish I was somewhere near you because I would take you out into the great outdoors & go hiking. You know my ethos about being outdoors!! It’s good that you have the urge to start training again but you need to be careful not to do too much too soon. It’s a fine balance between too much & not enough! Make sure you listen to our body & don’t push yourself too hard. Also, don’t ever feel like you have to apologise to anyone about what happened. It’s a blip, allbeit an unexpected blip, I know this work stuff isn’t helping & I wish you could get a resolution to that soon, but please, rest up, get your strength back!! Sending big (((hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

  6. George,I am sorry to hear that, it takes a lot to share it with us, thinking of you, you are a lovely strong person thinking of you, take care love Heidi xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My heart goes out to you and i hope that you will always be safe . I love you dearly and please take care xx

    Liked by 1 person

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