Are you ok?

Wednesday 16th Jan 2019 (1.39pm) I invite anyone to live in my head for 24-48 hours to try and understand and see what goes on.  Inside is a world of battle, contradiction, positive insights, negative thoughts. A world where nothing stays the same for long, a world that is continually changing and fighting for what is right and for what is best. My head can flip and change from decisive to indecisive in a split second, leaving me in a place where I do not understand. I have gone from someone who… Read More

A scrap in the grey matter

*Picture from Pixabay* Tuesday 8th January 2019 (5.40pm) Once again, thank you for so many comments after yesterday’s blog. I do not like to feel negative in my writing, but unfortunately that is the reality with mental illness and thats how it is. I am humbled by those who took time out to write to me and share their experiences. I know today has been difficult for one person in particular and if by me saying how I feel helps in someway then I know there is a reason for me doing… Read More

It’s a strange thing depression

Monday 7th January 2019 (7.26pm) I was hoping for a more positive start to 2019. December was not a good month. My mood was generally low, apart from the odd good or happy day. I am not into this new year, new me, new resolutions, new goals, as to me it is just another day and just another year. I do not expect miracle transformations over night and depression certainly does not know one day from another. It is a strange thing ‘depression’, I try and explain my feelings to my partner… Read More

Look after yourself

Friday 21st December 2018 (12.09pm) Its that time of year again, only 4 sleeps until the white bearded man in a red suit makes his way down the chimney to eat your mince pies and drink your whisky or milk. Today is traditionally called ‘Black Friday’ or the renamed ‘Bleak Friday’ (I have read ‘Mad Friday’ today) where office workers log off, schools are out until the new year and it is time to celebrate. There will be many Christmas parties going on over the next few days. You may enjoy, but you may hate… Read More

Fuzzy

Tuesday 18th December 2018 (5.04pm) I have not written for a while, not even in my journal.  I have felt flat with very little motivation, energy or enthusiasm. Even now as I write this my head is fuzzy like there is too much interference going on. I am reminded of an old back and white TV with no signal, it is like my head has become that confused box searching for a channel to light up the screen. Why? I don’t know. You never do know with depression and that is the… Read More

Left Behind

Picture shows all three journals  9th November 2018 **This was written today at 2.03pm in my journal** Firstly I cannot believe that it has been 1 year and 2 days since I last wrote in my book. During this time all of my blogs have gone out live without any retrospective entries. There are both positives and negatives to this. Whilst a positive is that you get to read what I am feeling at the time, a negative is that I am often not true to self. To me it is important… Read More

The story behind the Ironman tattoo

Friday 2nd November 2018 (11.47pm) I am not a fan of tattoos and I never thought I would have one, let alone one which symbolises a 140.6 mile Ironman. I am someone who does not particularly follow trend, does not do what others do and plays it safe when it comes to everlasting decisions. Having a tattoo seems to be the done thing after an Ironman and people who have them do it for their own personal reasons. For me, I thought to have a brand stuck to you for life was… Read More

Laying it on the line

Monday 29th October 2018 (12.55pm) Not every blog I write I publish. Sometimes I type or put pen to paper to express my feelings. It’s a way of getting the jumble out of my head instead of it whirling around, festering and becoming a bigger problem. At times I wish my head was not so active. It still has this ability to not want to switch off as it becomes ingrained in a deeper trauma. Sometimes I do not want to share for fear of worrying those who read so I will… Read More

Where is my motivation?

Monday 22nd October 2018 (11.46am) It’s been a while as I have not had the motivation or words to write. Even now I don’t really know what I am going to say. I guess you could say that things are a bit flat, like I am sitting on a plateau waiting for something to happen. What that is I do not know. My events are done which ended with Cardiff half marathon a few weeks ago. I am running (or walking) a 5k on Saturday for The Royal British Legion and the… Read More

Thoughts just Thoughts

Thursday 27th September 2018 (1.11pm) Participating in events takes me away from reality. It puts me in a time and space away from the real world. A world where things are about enjoying the moment around you, being out in the fresh air with other likeminded people achieving a goal whatever that may be. For me training is the same, it provides a stimulus which can block out the negativity which I may be feeling. That is not to say negative thoughts don’t creep in during a run, bike or swim, they… Read More