depressed detective

Wednesday 25th May 2016 (12.05pm)

3/10 – Interesting morning with GP, my 10 minute standard appointment turned into 30 minutes! I feel like I am in a constant battle with my head. My thoughts are not rationale. Long conversation with GP with regards to my immediate safety. I escaped an urgent referral to the Community Psychiatric Team for this afternoon. My reluctance to go was evident. We discussed course of action and I was given some telephone numbers to contact should I need help. My medication has been increased from 50mg to 100mg which I need to try for the next 7 days. This whole thing is draining me. I have been given another sick certificate for 4 weeks; however, if deemed well enough I can return before end date. I have been advised not to isolate myself and not to spend time alone. GP suggested I visit family in Tenby but I want to be on my own.

My 30 minute run and 30 minute Wattbike session felt like a chore. I am glad that I have done it though as I would have felt guilty otherwise and therefore worse.

I have had a number of messages from friends asking how this morning went. I know people want to help and support me; it is just up to me to accept it.

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Tuesday 24th May 2016 (9.38am)

3/10 – Feeling really low and fed up this morning. Not sure why? I guess that is depression for you. Maybe because it is ‘A’s’ birthday and its another 1st anniversary of a significant event where we are not together. I am seeing the Force Medical Advisor (FMA) and counsellor later and at the moment I have no idea how either will go.

(8.46pm)

It turns out that today was extremely difficult. The FMA has finally signed me back fully operational with regards to my knee. That is good news. I was upset during the consultation and I felt so low. At the time I would have scored myself 1/10 if that. I feel today that things are getting worse for me.

My counselling appointment was straight after and from the start I was very emotional. I could not rationalise anything and I did not care about anything. I felt so horrendously low, I even discussed my thoughts of self-harm. I explained that I wanted to step off the world and that I have had thoughts of putting my trainers on and just running as fast and as far as I can. I want to escape reality and to feel the sense of running away from everything and everyone. I could not control my emotions or thoughts and I could not say that I would not do something harmful.

Myself and my counsellor had a discussion about responsibilities and how I was going to keep myself safe. Some options were explained, which potentially would have involved my police colleagues which I would have found humiliating. Instead, the counsellor said that they would make contact with the GP and check availability for me to be seen this afternoon. I promised that I would not do anything stupid. I found the counselling session really hard. I could not comprehend anything, it was like I was a different person and that my mind had been taken over. It was awful and I could not see past anything and I really did not know what was happening. I am not surprised the counsellor was concerned. I even apologised for the way I felt I was behaving.

I think my saving grace was that I had arranged to meet a couple of friends. Whist out, the counsellor rang me back to say that my GP was not in but I could see another Dr. I explained that I was ok and that I would rather wait to the morning when I could see the GP who has been treating me. I literally spent the whole afternoon meeting with various friends.

I met with ‘A’ on the way home which I found difficult as I was still very emotional.

So that is my day really. One which I can say I do not want to repeat (in terms of FMA and counselling). At one point I did not know if there was going to be police at my door doing a welfare visit, or if I was going to end up with the crisis team. What I do know is that today my friends have helped. I am seeing my GP at 8.30am tomorrow. If I get a chance I will write before I go to my appointment. I have no idea what my mood / frame of mind will be like when I wake up. As for now, I am signing off as 2/10.

Monday 23rd May 2016 (11.57am)

5/10 – Woke up quite tired with sore eyes (all the bugs from yesterday – should wear glasses), and some muscle soreness. I did a recovery swim and had a sauna. I have received lots of kind messages on Facebook and Twitter in relation to yesterday’s achievements. Whilst I am not after praise or recognition, it is nice to know that people have acknowledged and taken the time to comment. I have also over the last couple of days had more social interaction with friends and I have made arrangements to meet with friends tomorrow.

Sunday 22nd May 2016 (8.32pm)

Not quite sure I will be able to write much tonight or even make much sense. I feel quite tired after the Velothon! When cycling around the 140k route, I did not mentally feel in the game which is not like me when I am out on my bike. My official chip time was 5 hrs 28. Out of 969 female finishers, I was 150th. Overall I was 3301 out of 8814. Chuffed with that. 5/10.

Saturday 21st May 2016 (1.44pm)

4/10 – I am sitting in Coffee #1 having not done any exercise (which I hate); however I need to rest these legs for tomorrow. I feel a little bit more enthusiastic now I have got my kit ready, put my number on my shirt and added my timing chip to the front of my bike. I start at 8.31am in ‘Pen R’.

I really did not think I would be off work this long. I know people say that these things take time, but for someone with no patience I am finding this hard. Why can’t I just find me and be happy again? What will it take? I look around me where there are couples, friends and families, yet I sit here alone with my own thoughts and reflections. There are three people on the table next to me talking about Henry VIII. I digress! A friend has messaged me this morning but I am not in the mood for conversation so I have only replied once.

Next week I have an appointment with the Force Medical Advisor (FMA). I am not sure if this is knee or mental health related or both. I also have an appointment with my counsellor and GP. After every sick certificate I have had, I have always thought that it would be the last one; now I am not so sure. I ask myself if I would be better going back to work to have a routine. I know I have to be 100% or as near as and I know I am not there yet. I am still worried about my position and I wonder if I am jeopardizing my career prospects by being off. I know that my health and wellbeing should come first but I still have ambition, as to doing what and where is another question.

I have been given special dispensation to defer my Open University Human Biology exam (on medical grounds) to September. I did really well in my assignments scoring over 90% in all three, so I can know do it, and studying if I can get my head around it will give me something to focus on. I find that my memory and concentration is rubbish at the moment so it will be difficult. It is nice to get out and do some writing. I may be writing complete rubbish but hey its therapeutic. The Henry VIII crew have just left. I wonder who will sit there next, and I wonder what their lives are like.

I have no real plans for later. The FA Cup final is on where my team Manchester United take on Crystal Palace. It is now 2.31pm and nobody has sat on the Henry VIII table.

(10.02pm)

6/10 – Not a bad day in the end. My mood has lifted and I am quite excited about the Velothon tomorrow. I have had a number of messages wishing me well. Alarm set for 5.30am so I best get my butt to bed. Oh and Manchester United beat Crystal Place 2-1.

Friday 20th May 2016 (10.28am)

6/10 – Not feeling too bad this morning, maybe it is because I have a plan for today which gives me a sense of purpose and direction. I woke up at 4.45am with my brain spinning things around (about divorce of all things). I got up early and went for my 1 mile swim. I feel happy that I am getting faster and stronger in the water. Perhaps I wont drown at Tenby Long Course after all!! I need to go into Cardiff to pick up my Velothon Wales pack. I am not too enthusiastic about the ride the moment.

Thursday 19th May 2016 (11.18am)

5/10 – Went to David Lloyd, had a mile swim and then a relax in the lounge. Work is still playing on my mind, and I am worried about what will happen when I return and where I will be based. It is the last thing I need to be worrying about when my mind is where it is. I do not think I will be returning to work when my sick certificate expires next Wednesday.

Wednesday 18th May 2016 (10am)

4/10 – I arrived at David Lloyd at 6am and spent the whole morning there. I did a mini triathlon with some yoga chucked in after the swim! I have never done yoga before but a few people have said how beneficial it is for you both mentally and physically so I thought I would give it a go. The session lasted an hour, and whilst I think I enjoyed it I found it hard for my brain to with off. My brain kept drifting and I found myself thinking about random rubbish. I am sure it will get easier if I stick with it so may go again tomorrow.

Tuesday 17th May 2016 (12.25pm)

3/10 – Phone call received from work seeking my views on a possible developmental move. Whilst I do not want to move to be a Sergeant anywhere, if the opportunity for an Acting Inspector role came up somewhere then I would move, but otherwise I would like to stay put. It is difficult for me to think about work at the moment and whilst work need to know what I want to do, I do not believe that I am in the right place to make any important or informed decisions. Undoubtedly there will be conversations going on determining moves. I would like to go back to my role as it will offer consistency and continuity what with knowing the role and the people. I am interested in career development but I need to be involved in decisions. I am afraid that a wrong move somewhere could be detrimental to my wellbeing. This is something that I don’t want to worry or think about for now, but it is hard not to.

(6.55pm)

2/10 – struggling, lost mojo (whatever that is) and completely fed up. What more is there to say? I am still going over the earlier conversation with work and now feel in no hurry to go back. Today has highlighted to me that normal rational conversations which would have previously not bothered me, have today spun my head around and done me in. #mentalhealth

Monday 16th May 2016 (6.46pm)

3/10 – Not sure what is going on today, but feeling quite fed up. This is a bit of a contrast from yesterday when I felt I was not doing too bad. So this is what is meant by the ‘highs’ and ‘lows’ or ‘ups’ and ‘downs’? I have been to the gym but not done much else.