Thursday 22nd September 2016 (12.19pm)

Will I have to return to work and what is going on with this knee?

2/10 – No writing yesterday as I felt way too down and fed up. Was also shattered and not in the mood. Yesterday I had a GP appointment who has yet to receive anything from CMHT. I am not fit for work and I have been given another sick certificate for 28 days. I am to return to doctors in 2 weeks. For now, I am remaining on the same medication, pending outcome of CMHT report.

I had a meeting with my federation rep, to discuss the way forward and the impending half pay situation. It was good to chat and he put my mind at ease on a few things.

I ended up at David Lloyd where I did a mile swim and then just sat in the lounge afterwards. I didn’t stay long as I just wanted to get home. I had a conversation with my sickness insurance company which baffled me and I have no idea what I am entitled to, probably not what I had thought? My concern is that half pay will not cover my direct debits and I will have to return to work unwell and against medical advice. This really has put me in a peed off mood as not something which I need to be worrying about.

I had mindfulness last night which I really did not want to go to. I was tired, in a bad mood and I knew that I would not be able to fully embrace it or concentrate and I was too worried and stressed about having to return to work purely for financial reasons. The session was good through as we discussed thoughts and emotions and now to control them. I could not concentrate in the practical sessions. Went to bed as soon as I got home.

Today 2/10 – My mood has not really improved as I am still concerned about what I am going to do. I had a knee hospital appointment at 8.30am so it was another early start. I did not see the Surgeon, but saw the physio instead. She explained that the MRI showed degeneration at the back of my right knee cap – nothing I do not already know. We discussed surgery options, but there is no way mentally at the moment I could put myself through operation number 12. It would destroy me. I need to exercise. Its the only thing which keeps me going. Even though my knee is painful I explained that I was managing. I have to return in 6 months.

I headed off to David Lloyd and did a tired 40 minute Wattbike session. I sat in the lounge afterwards and rang my financial advisor regarding my policies. Not in a great mood as you can imagine and now sat in Starbucks using what credit I have on my card.

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